Nine months of a job search: honest notes from one dad to another

I started looking last December. It is September now. That puts me about nine months in.

A recruiter told me at the start it would take six to nine months. I remember thinking that number sounded insane. It was not insane. It was accurate.

I am writing this the way I would say it to a friend across a lunch table, because I have had that lunch a few times now, usually with another dad who just got the news that his role was eliminated and is trying to figure out where the floor is. If that is you, or it is about to be, here is what I have learned. Some of them are tactics. Most of it is the other thing, the part that runs underneath.

The short version

Get out of your own way first, because the shame is the real early obstacle, not the market. Then network far more than you apply, aim for a role that is lateral or one step up rather than down, and know your number before anyone asks. It takes longer than you think, the process is more random than you want it to be, and your job is not your whole identity even though it will try to convince you it is.

The first thing in the way was me

Nobody warns you about the shame. When you start, there is this low hum of embarrassment, and it kept me from picking up the phone. It took me a couple of months to actually reach out to everyone I should have reached out to on day one. Looking back, the biggest obstacle of those first three or four months was not the economy. It was me, getting out of my own way.

Here is what broke it. I finally let my neighbors know. And it turned out I had a neighbor who works in healthcare. I had no idea. That one conversation put me into two live interview processes. My wife's old colleague from 25 years ago surfaced through a LinkedIn update and turned into another one. Almost every real opportunity I have had traces back to a person, not a portal.

You cannot get any of that while you are still too proud to say the words "I am looking."

Network far more than you apply

Let me give you honest math from my own search. I have applied to more than 85 roles. Of those, maybe 10 or 12 moved forward, and every single one of those moved because I knew someone, had a referral, or a recruiter walked me in.

The cold applications went nowhere. That tracks with the industry data: Apollo Technical's roundup puts the share of jobs filled through networking as high as 85%. The data consistently shows referred candidates convert at far higher rates than job-board applicants, while a huge share of roles are filled through connections before they are ever a fair fight online. On a public posting you are one of 400 applicants. What it does not tell you is that a lot of them look like bots.

Job search networking groups in Dallas-Fort Worth

The single most useful thing I did was start showing up in person. If you are in the DFW area, Southlake Focus Group meets Thursday mornings at White's Chapel Methodist Church in Southlake, and 120 to 150 people in transition are there every week. Their whole mission is H.O.P.E., help one person everyday, which is a phrase I did not expect to steal for my own life. Almost everyone in that room is in the same spot you are, or has been, including the people running it. That is where the shame quietly dies. It is also where I found the recruiters, the referrals, and the networking groups I actually needed. I got more out of that room than I did out of a paid outplacement firm.

There are others if you want them: Frisco Connect, CareerDFW, or Fort Worth CSN. But if you only do one, attend the room full of people who get it. If you are not in DFW, check out Southlake Focus Group (they also have remote) or CareerUSA.org. Look at a local church's website, you may have a group right around the corner.

What I believed at the start	What turned out to be true
The best jobs are on the job boards	Most of the real ones move through people first
Applying more is making progress	Applying cold mostly goes nowhere without a connection
I should keep this quiet	Saying "I'm looking" out loud is what opened doors
A referral means it's basically done	A referral gets you seen, not hired. It still might be a no
A rejection means I did something wrong	Half the time it is fit, budget, or a coin toss you never see

Do not sell yourself short

Somewhere around month two, the little voice starts. You have been a senior director or a VP, and suddenly you are wondering if you should just apply for manager roles to make something happen.

I went through the exact same thing, so here is where I landed. Aim for a role that is lateral or one step up and hold there. Do not aim down out of fear. The only time going down makes sense is a genuinely big company where you can network your way back up once you are inside.

If you do go for a lower-level role, you need a real story for why it interests you, and it cannot be "I have been humbled." It has to be honest and specific: when I was a director at such-and-such, I loved that work, and that is the work I want to be doing. There is a version of stepping into a smaller title that is about the mission or the work you actually enjoy. There is another version that is just fear talking. Employers can tell the difference, and so can you.

One more thing that surprised me: titles mean different things at different companies. At some large companies the most senior role they will ever hire from the outside is a level you would consider a step down, and everything above is promoted from within. So "director" at one place is "VP" at another. Read the scope, not the title.

Know your number before they ask

Get honest with yourself about money before a recruiter puts you on the spot, because they will.

Two numbers to have ready: your actual minimum, and the number you truly want. When a salary conversation opens, it is fair to ask what the minimum is on their side and then decide if that is really a number you would take. I have said a polite no to roles I liked because the range was too low and left the door open for something better down the road. I have also said yes to a lower number once, because I wanted into that industry badly enough. Both were the right call, because I made them on purpose instead of out of panic.

If you are looking at fractional or contract work, do the real math. The posted bill rate is what you get, but then you have few things to cover. As a 1099 contractor, you own benefits, taxes, Social Security, all of it, so roughly a third of that number is gone before you see it. Price accordingly. AI tools are pretty good now at telling you where a given company, market, and level should land, which helps when the posted range is either missing or misleading across states.

The process is slower and more random than you want

Plan on any one application process to take three months minimum, and often longer. It takes a company about a month just to figure out who is in the pool, another month to get through HR and the first round, and it keeps going. You will most likely talk to more people than you ever have before. Expect two to three weeks of silence between rounds. That silence is not a verdict. If it is going to work, it is working. If it is not, it is not.

And some of it is genuinely a coin toss. I once had a hire come down to me and one other candidate, and the deciding factor, as I learned later, was that a CEO glanced at both resumes and picked mine because of where I went to school. That is not a photo finish. That is a coin landing on heads. You will lose some of those and never know why, and it will have nothing to do with your worth.

How to deal with job rejection

Do two things with rejection. First, mine it. Do not ask "why not me," ask "what were the top three skills or experiences you were looking for," because that tells you what to surface next time. My real fear was always that I had left something off my resume that I had done but did not think was relevant. Second, and I mean this, celebrate the ones that at least send you a no. A clear rejection gives you closure. The cryptic "we are reviewing your resume and will be in touch" that never resolves is worse. Track it all in a simple spreadsheet so you always know where things stand.

The part that is actually about being a dad

Here is the thing nobody puts in career advice. For a lot of us, "the worker of the house" is the primary identity, and when that stops, it is disorienting in a way that has nothing to do with money. You feel it in your chest before you feel it in your bank account.

What helped me was not a productivity system, but two simple things.

One, I gave it up to God. When the right thing shows up, it will show up, and the roller coaster of "almost" and "not this time" stops running my week when I hold it that way. I try to find one thing every single day to be grateful for. Most days there is more than one.

Two, I let the gap be a gift instead of only a wound. Nine months without a full-time role is nine months I got back with my family. I have been more present with my kids, more involved with aging in-laws, and I have done some growth that has nothing to do with IT, around faith and around learning. I would not have chosen the circumstances. I would not trade what it gave me.

I mentioned it's been nine months. Recently, I started my first fractional consulting role and I love it. It's also in the industry I was trying to break into, healthcare.

I relaunched my passion project, The Best Dads, and our launch announcement ran as a press release on USA Today. I am now an Anti-Boring Certified Academic Coach and I completed an Evangelization 101 certificate from the Word on Fire Institute. I am part of the Founding Cohort at the Neuro-Informed Institute.

Most importantly, I am the closest to my wife and two kids than I have been in a long time.

God's plan: I just had to listen.

Frequently asked questions

How long does a job search take? For me, it has been nine months.

For a senior role, usually six to nine months, which is longer than you expect. Three months per process is a floor, and the whole search running that long is normal, not a sign something is wrong. Older workers in particular tend to search longer, which is worth knowing so you can pace yourself.

Is it really about who you know?

Mostly, yes. In my own search every opportunity that went anywhere came through a person. Cold applications almost never moved. Network more than you apply, and it is not close.

Should I apply for jobs below my level?

Only on purpose, and only with a real reason. Aim lateral or one up by default. If you go down, have an honest story about why the work interests you, not a story about settling.

How do I stay positive during a job search?

Expect the silence and the noes, and do not read every one as a personal failing. Mine each rejection for what they actually wanted, celebrate the ones that at least give you closure, and protect the parts of your life that are not your job. The rejection rate is high for everyone. It is not a referendum on you.

Does age work against you in a job search after 50?

It can. This was the first search where I felt it, and I am not alone. AARP found that nearly three-quarters of workers over 50 believe their age could be a barrier to getting hired, and about a third worry about how AI is reshaping their field. The counter to it is the same as everything else here: your network and a clear story about the value you bring, which a stranger scanning a resume will never see on their own.

What should I actually do first?

Tell people you are looking, out loud, starting with the ones closest to you. Then find the room in your area full of others doing the same thing. The tactics matter, but they come after you get out of your own way.

One last thing

I am not going to tell you this is easy, because it is not, and you would not believe me. It is an emotional roller coaster, and some weeks the negativity climbs no matter how hard you push against it.

But you are not your job title, even when it feels like you are. You are a dad, a husband, a neighbor, and a guy with more to offer than any one company got around to seeing. Keep saying you are looking. Keep showing up in the room. Find the one thing today worth being grateful for.

The right one is out there. Give it up, do the work, and stay in the game.

Helping one dad a day...mark